ADVICE FOR COUPLES ON RELATIONSHIPS: 12 RULES FOR LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIPS
Love is incredible. It's not only what keeps the world turning, but it's also one of the most beautiful aspects of what makes us human. But love is also complicated and perplexing. Relationships are difficult and rarely simple. How do we make the most of the love in our lives, particularly romantic relationships? We can be the best partners we can be by learning and working together. To that end, we've compiled this list of some of the best relationship advice for couples.
There are numerous approaches to writing a successful love story. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Many psychologists, relationship experts, and even philosophers have spent their lives delving deeply into what true love is and how to find and keep it. We can turn to these experts to help us understand what works best in most marriages and relationships, and then put that knowledge into practise in our own lives.
We've distilled all of that wisdom into what we believe is a useful guide for couples: 12 principles for building a long-lasting, loving relationship.
MAKE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER A PRIORITY.
Spending time together and genuinely connecting is without a doubt one of the keys to a successful relationship.
What exactly does this mean?
This is more than just planning regular date nights (though we certainly support date nights for romance and adventure). Check out our entire list of the best date ideas for couples). Quality time can take many forms and formats; what matters is that you and your partner both feel like you're doing something that allows you to connect authentically.
This is something you may need to prioritise and plan for, especially if you have children or a busy schedule. Quality time does not usually happen by itself, but when you make an effort to incorporate it into your week, you'll notice a significant difference in your relationship.
Quality time does not have to be long or complicated: it can be as simple as sharing a cup of coffee together every morning for a few quiet minutes. This is one of our relationship ritual ideas: simple habits that couples can adopt to create these moments of connection. (You can also learn more about the top habits of happy couples here.)
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN REQUIREMENTS.
We should certainly look to our partners for encouragement, support, and assistance. There are certain things that partners require from one another. However, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of expecting our partner to meet and fulfil all of our needs, as well as to fix things for us.
I was guilty of this when I first met my husband. I was anxious about his feelings for me and needed constant reassurance from him that he loved me and was committed to me. "If only he would say or do such-and-such, I'd feel better and these worries would go away," I reasoned.
But the truth is that we are all responsible for our own emotions, actions, self-worth, and so on.
I was causing more problems by asking my husband to give me the reassurance I desperately needed (and an endless cycle of needing reassurance in a relationship). What I needed to do was get my own sh*t together and figure out this problem on my own, rather than blaming it on him. Finally, I did just that, and it made a huge difference in our relationship.
Recognizing that we have control over our emotions is a mature, adult thing to do. This keeps us from looking to our partner to "fix" us, and it keeps us from playing the blame game, believing that our partner is to blame for how we are feeling. "Our beliefs and expectations about a person, event, or situation [that] directly influence and, many would argue, cause our feelings," according to PsychCentral.
What does it mean to be responsible for our own needs?
It's about taking control of your emotions during a conflict. It's about controlling your negative emotions and not letting them affect your relationship in an unhealthy or unkind way. And it's about accepting responsibility for dealing with the baggage you've accumulated from previous relationships, childhood, or whatever.
Long-term relationships or marriages, of course, are breeding grounds for these past issues to surface. When we are at ease with another person, we are able to be vulnerable (for better and for worse). This is when "stuff" comes into play. Your old problems, neuroses, and anxieties.
When this happens, remember to take a step back and assess the situation. Examine where these emotions are coming from (hint: it's most likely from deep within you).
COMPATIBILITY IS IMPORTANT, BUT ACTION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.
Compatibility is an important factor to consider when choosing a life partner. While it is important to choose someone with whom you are compatible, there is so much more to it. People who aren't necessarily compatible on paper can have happy relationships if they make a concerted effort every day to understand one another, communicate clearly, and strive to meet each other's needs. The most important principle in making a relationship work is effort.
Of course, there's something to be said for relationships that are "easier" from the start, and compatibility can help with that. Compatibility extends far beyond similar interests or viewpoints. Sharing the same values is the most telling sign of relationship compatibility, because you're both approaching the relationship (and life) from very similar perspectives. This will make things much easier for you in a variety of ways.
In the end, compatibility is just a word. What matters most is that you choose the right partner and that you are the right partner for yourself. Being good partners as well as good people.
DAILY EXPRESS LOVE (AND LOVE YOUR PARTNER IN THE WAY THEY NEED TO BE LOVED)
This piece of relationship advice for couples appears to be simple, but it can be more complicated than we realise.
Your partner must understand how much you adore and cherish them. Every day, the happiest couples express this to one another. Individuals can flourish in relationships where both parties feel safe and cherished. You feel safe enough in such a relationship to take risks, be vulnerable, and grow into the best version of yourself. It's fantastic.
It is the responsibility of both partners to express love to one another and to learn how to do so in the way that your partner feels most loved.) The key to this is understanding your partner's love language. The five love languages are an excellent resource for understanding this principle. Check out our summary and introduction to the five love languages.
Whether or not you understand the love languages, most of us know instinctively how to express love. We can write special notes to our partners (see: 25+ Romantic Open When Letter Ideas for Couples), give them thoughtful, meaningful gifts (see: 100 Reasons Why I Love You List and Gift Ideas), or simply hold them close and tell them they're wonderful. The most important aspect is the desire to be loving and compassionate.
AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY, PRACTICE SELFLESSNESS.
When it comes to being loving and compassionate, nothing beats putting another person's needs ahead of your own. The ability to make necessary sacrifices or concessions out of love for your partner is a huge part of marriage and relationship success.
Let's face it: relationships are difficult. And if you've been with someone for decades, you're bound to face some difficulties. This is going to demand a lot of you, and it's terrifying. It's difficult for us as humans to put our own needs aside and care for others. It's frequently unpleasant, inconvenient, and exhausting.
Marriage is often said to be 50/50, but the reality is that this ration changes all the time. Some seasons of your relationship will be 60/40, or even 90/10. Sometimes your partner is going through something that prevents them from giving their all to the relationship. They could be suffering from a serious illness. They could be suffering from severe depression.
Whatever the reason, a relationship will never be "fair" and balanced. You will have to give more than you receive at times, perhaps frequently. Perhaps a lot more. Can you pull it off? It will not be easy, but being able to do this for those we care about is critical, and it is one of the most important aspects of building a lasting relationship.
As a result, begin practising right away. At every opportunity, strive to be selfless. Develop the habit of giving without expecting anything in return. I'm willing to bet you'll not only notice improvements in your relationship, but you'll also discover new personal benefits.
NEVER FORGET TO LEARN ABOUT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS (ONE OF OUR TOP PIECES OF RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FOR COUPLES)
One of the most basic relationship advice is to keep learning and growing in your relationship. It takes practise to become good at anything. Relationships necessitate skill. So don't be afraid to seek out the resources that will assist you in making that happen!
We believe that couples counselling is an excellent tool for couples. Couples counselling is also not required if you are experiencing "problems." Consider it like routine maintenance. It's simply a good way to address any issues in your relationship while working with a professional therapist.
However, reading is an important part of learning about healthy relationships. Of course, we'd love to see you back on Two Drifters frequently!) However, we also recommend reading some of the best marriage books, watching these amazing TED talks on relationships, and listening to some of the best marriage podcasts.
NEVER GIVE UP ON BEING A BETTER PERSON.
Working on yourself, like constantly learning about relationships, is an important part of a successful partnership. Do you want to have a fantastic relationship? Be an excellent collaborator!
This is excellent general life advice, whether you're single, dating, married, or in a long-term relationship.
Working on our anxieties has been one of the ways we've personally experienced self-improvement. Nathan and I both suffer from various types of anxiety, which, if not addressed, could be detrimental to our marriage. As a result, it is critical that we learn to manage them as effectively as possible, both for our own mental health and happiness and for the success of our relationships.
We have some resources for you on this topic here: How to Deal With Anxiety in Relationships.
TAKE CARE OF RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AS A TEAM
Even the most loving, intimate, and happy relationships have their ups and downs. Relationship challenges are natural, and they should be expected.
So, how do you handle them? As a group.
Whatever comes your way, remember that you and your significant other are in this together. You're both on the same team. Even if you're in the middle of a typical argument, remember this. You're not at odds with one another. You are at odds with the problem: the two of you versus the problem, attempting to reach an agreement that preserves and strengthens your relationship.
This team mentality will serve you well throughout your marriage/relationship and will eventually help you avoid some unnecessary conflicts.
It's also important to recognise that conflict and challenges are natural and healthy parts of life. It is not normal to never argue or disagree. Healthy conflict is an essential component of a long-term relationship.
PATIENCE, HONESTY, AND OPENNESS IN COMMUNICATION
Communication can be one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship. It appears simple—you're just talking, right?—but communication is extremely nuanced and complex. It goes beyond words. Tone of voice, body language, subtext, and so on. And it goes even deeper in a romantic relationship. We're talking to the people who know and love us best, and with whom we share our lives. All of this means it's going to get sticky.
So, educate yourself on how to communicate with your partner. This is a skill that can be developed in a relationship. Communication is difficult, and healthy communication is not always easy for us. So learning how to communicate with and listen to our partner takes time and practise.
Finally, good communication requires patience, honesty, and openness. If you concentrate on those things, you'll get most of the way there. Check out our comprehensive guide on 5 Ways to Improve Communication in Relationships, as well as these 9 couples communication exercises.
Invest TIME AND ENERGY IN ROMANCE
We are obsessed with finding romance in your relationship! We strive to incorporate romance in a variety of ways, big and small.
But how do you go about doing that? How do you maintain the spark in your relationship? How do you maintain the romance? What if you have no idea how to be romantic?
WELL, our entire website is dedicated to romantic and adventure ideas, so feel free to browse around for tonnes of ideas, but ultimately, we can boil it down to three simple tenets:
Do you want more romance in your relationship? Experiment with new things! Doing something new together, whether it's a daring activity like skydiving or something more sedate like taking a cooking class, has a huge impact. It strengthens your bond, creates shared memories, and brings you closer together than ever before.
We also strongly advise you to plan a romantic getaway as often as possible. This does not have to be far away. A romantic staycation or a nearby weekend getaway can also help you reconnect and rekindle your romance.
Never stop flirting with your significant other! Flirting adds interest to the situation and reminds your partner that you find them attractive and intriguing. Sending one of these fun, flirty texts for him or flirty texts for her can be a simple way to flirt.
Sex and intimacy are necessary components of a happy marriage. Make as much time as possible for sex and intimacy. While scheduling sexy time may seem "unsexy," busy couples understand that it is sometimes necessary. One couple we know says they've had sex almost every day for the past 9 years, and it's been crucial to their relationship's intimacy. While daily sex may not be feasible, you can make an effort to connect physically as frequently as possible.
When you make the effort, intimacy and romance are possible even in a long-distance relationship, so there's no reason not to find the time and energy to connect. Even non-distance couples may benefit from these long distance relationship tips.
VALUE VULNERABILITY AS THE KEY TO TRUE INTIMACY
Make yourself available.
Our ability to be truly vulnerable yields so much beauty and magic. The element of vulnerability is what makes relationships sacred and meaningful.
Vulnerability is not something that comes easily. We'll go into more detail about vulnerability in relationships in a future blog post because it's an important topic.
Prioritizing the friendship aspect of your relationship is a good place to start with vulnerability. Friends are the people with whom we can confide our darkest secrets and be accepted for who we are. This should also be true in a relationship. For more information, see our post on marriage friendship.
EVERYTHING REQUIRES COMMITMENT.
Without mentioning the significance of commitment, this guide to relationship advice for couples would be incomplete.
We wholeheartedly believe in making a commitment in our relationships. Marriage is a lifelong commitment for us. Divorce is not even an option for us. We're in it for the long haul.
We believe that this level of commitment is required for maximum relationship success. What motivation do you have to stick with it when things get tough? Without that, how can we expect our partner to be there for us even when things get tough? Commitment is essential.
I fully recognise that we don't know what the future holds. It is impossible to say something with absolute certainty, but the point is that we should enter into marriage or long-term relationships with this goal in mind.
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