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10 Pieces of Relationship Advice Straight From Couples Counselors

I'm about to save you a lot of money on therapy.

You go to your gyno for your annual exam, eat healthy to avoid disease, and exercise to keep your body strong, but what do you do on a regular basis to nurture your relationship? Just a wild guess: not much. That's a shame, because good relationship advice—especially from professionals trained in the field of psychology—can elevate any solid-gold love to diamond-level strength.

"Most of us operate in crisis mode for our relationships, only paying attention to it when there's a problem that needs to be fixed," says Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, a clinical psychologist in the Philadelphia area. "However, a relationship is like a garden: even when things are going well, weeds can grow and take over."

"A relationship is like a garden: weeds can grow and overtake it even when it's doing well."

That is why the rise in "happy couples counseling"—seeing a professional before the thought of Splitsville even occurs—deserves praise. The proactive approach, which is, by the way, a requirement for Catholic marriage, will help you smooth over even the smallest (or largest) of issues—and simply amplify the love you feel for each other on a daily basis.

So, without further ado, here are the top ten pieces of relationship advice from the wisest, most genuine relationship therapists out there...

1. Always expect the best.

Whether you're an optimist or not, chances are you find something personal in your S.O.'s actions when they let you down. It makes sense because, well, relationships are personal. But, nine times out of ten (if not all ten), your person has no intention of upsetting you.

"Especially when we're already irritated, we have a hair trigger for misinterpreting things and assuming the worst," says Gillihan. (However, if our partner feels personally offended or attacked by something you do, you're probably irritated that they don't simply let you off the hook.)

But, as Gillihan points out, "so many of our reactions are based on how we feel about ourselves, rather than how someone else feels about us." So here's an idea: Tell yourself in the morning, "Today, I'm going to choose the most benign interpretation for whatever comes my way."

"This mentality gives you the freedom to get over yourself," he says, adding that it can set an example for your significant other to do the same. The end result? You can both concentrate on the positive and recover quickly from any unintentional "bad."

2. Take note of projections.

When it comes to interpretations, one thing that can derail them is a psychological concept known as projection.

In a nutshell, projection is when you project your own feelings about yourself or a situation onto someone else. While it is usually a subconscious habit, projecting causes you to believe that your partner feels a certain way when, in fact, they do not.

For example, if you've been cheated on before and have trust issues as a result (fair enough), you might interpret your partner's "You're acting weird" comment as an accusation of disloyalty. When, in reality, they're just curious as to why you've been quiet for the past two days.

Whenever possible, try to pause and see a conversation or situation for what it is, notice your own insecurities and assumptions (ask yourself: Do I know X to be true? ), and try to let go of the idea that you know what your S.O. is feeling, advises Gillihan. You'll never know for sure unless you ask them.

3. Stop putting each other down.

Should is possibly the worst word in the English language, at least when it comes to relationships. "It creates a sense of injustice—that something should be different than it is," Gillihan says. However, most of the time, what follows the verb is a personal wish or preference rather than an actual truth.

If you believe in fate, just trust that whatever your partner did or didn't do happened because the universe was aligned (for some reason unknown to anyone). If you don't, that's perfectly fine—but changing your mindset can help you overcome any feelings of resentment or indignation. So express your desires as wishes: "I wish you could come home earlier so we could spend more time together," or "I'd appreciate it if you helped more with the dog."

"Anyone can argue about a should," Gillihan observes, "but who can argue about a wish?" Even if they are unable to make it happen, they will not feel as if they are doing something wrong right away.

4. Keep quiet and listen.

You believe you pay attention to your other half, but...do you?

Listening is a verb, not a passive process in which "you're talking and I'm not." Silencing your own thoughts and feelings is required in order to truly tune in to someone else's.

"Everyone wants to feel heard, but many couples don't feel heard over time, which causes a lot of problems," says Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a relationship psychotherapist in New York City. "Of course, it's important to express yourself, but you must first listen."

Sussman's recommendation? After your partner has expressed their feelings, repeat back to them what you believe they are saying. Then state, "Do you think I heard you now? Do you believe you've been heard?" If they say no, ask them to please help you understand what they're saying.

Remember, even if you disagree with your partner, you should validate their feelings. You are a completely different person with different experiences and perceptions, so you will not always agree—but if you want your relationship to grow, you must always, always let them know that they are not wrong to feel the way they do.

5. Look for opportunities to express heartfelt gratitude.

According to research, gratitude is the key to a happy life—and it's also a requirement for a happy'ship.

Consider this: Relationships require work, and just like at work, not being acknowledged for putting in time and effort can leave you feeling unappreciated and even resentful.

So pay attention to and thank your partner when they do something even remotely selfless and kind for you. Recognize things they wouldn't expect you to mention, such as picking up your favorite bottle of wine on their way home or making quinoa instead of their preferred rice because you're reducing your intake of refined carbohydrates.

"Saying thank you can go a long way, and it has a reciprocal effect," Gillihan says. Meaning: Make an effort to be more grateful to bae, and they will most likely reciprocate, amplifying the loving feeling.

6. When life gets crazy, team up.

"We often bring so little to our relationships when we're overwhelmed," Sussman says. You skip seeing the new Marvel movie with your partner on Sunday so you can catch up on work, or you barely kiss them before bed because you're so tired.

"The correct equation is to be your best and most loving self at home, so that the strength of your bond gives you the strength to handle everything else." Preach!

"Always ask yourself if you're investing as much in your relationship as you are in your career, fitness goals, and friendships..."

When you know work is about to get hectic, tell your significant other, "I'm about to go through a really busy period, and I'm worried I won't be able to put the energy into our relationship that we both expect." "Is there anything else I can do to help us this month?" Reduce social engagements or schedule breakfasts together instead of dinners you know you'll miss as a solution.

"Always ask yourself if you're putting as much effort into your relationship as you are into your career, fitness goals, and friendships," Sussman adds. "Then make any necessary adjustments."

7. Make a calendar of shared goals.

You have goals, and your partner has goals, but what about goals you can pursue together? To keep your bond superstrong, envision achieving or doing something as a unit, says WH advisor "Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, a clinical psychologist in NYC.

"Make a calendar for your financial, travel, and hobby goals," she suggests. (For example, go to Japan and learn how to salsa.) "This allows you to envision yourselves together in the future, encourages discussion about lifestyle choices, and reminds you to support one another through accountability and by building on each other's momentum."

Furthermore, planning a future beyond the big things (ahem, babies and shiny new houses) can be a lot of fun—and can help you get out of the mundane day-to-day.

8. Make intimacy a priority.

I'm not talking about sex here, though that is crucial in any relationship. I'm talking about the kind of intimacy that comes from physical touch, genuine eye contact, mutual smiling, and so on—all the little things that make your heart sing.

"These are the things that remind your partner that you're in this together, that you chose them and are glad you did," says Sussman.

Touch your S.O. when they're making coffee (a quick hug around the waist does the trick...just be careful not to make them spill), look them in the eyes when they tell you about their day, take showers together, sleep naked, snuggle...you know, the PG stuff that adds to the everyday.

"If you notice that is decreasing, it may be time to take a moment and ask yourself why—is it on your end, their end, or both?" Sussman makes a point. If increasing your own initiation of this type of intimacy does not result in them doing the same, you might want to see a couples therapist who can help you both figure out underlying issues.

9. Check in ahead of time.

Repeat after me: no matter how well your person knows you, they will never be able to know what's going on inside your head at all times. So don't count on it...ever. Dr. Chloe suggests that you save yourself a lot of drama by voicing your thoughts after you've had a chance to process and collect them. (I also agree.)

That being said, you most likely have a lot of thoughts that you may never express for one reason or another—and your partner may be doing the same. Perhaps they don't think you'll treat them well, or that voicing their concerns will result in positive change, so they suck it up and move on.

While holding things in on a regular basis isn't a big deal for minor things (like them being annoyed that you can't decide what you want for dinner), it won't end well.

So, by checking in on a regular basis, you can help your S.O. open up. In a casual, nonconfrontational tone (perhaps while driving), ask them, "What are your thoughts on us these days? Is there anything I could do more of or less of to help you?"

Often, just taking the time to ask is enough to make them feel loved.

10. Make the effort to see them.

The security of a long-term relationship (and, obviously, marriage) is fantastic. However, one common cost is how "used to" your partner you become. "There comes a point when we're looking at a projection or memory of the person, rather than who they are in 3-D at the time," Gillihan says. "As a result, you make assumptions about what they need based on their past rather than their present."

And, of course, people (including yourself) evolve over time, and when you're with someone for the long haul, it's up to you to recognize how. So, on your next date night, while they're making the coffee, or after they return from a run, take a moment to stop and look at your partner with new eyes.

Consider three nice or impressive things they did recently, and feel sorry for them. Then, instead of saying "I love you," say "I see you." Their reaction could be spectacular.