20 People Share Their Favorite Relationship Advice




It's no secret that relationships are difficult, with their ups and downs, way, way ups and oh-no-do-we-need-to-break-up downs. But the sweet reward of being loved and being loved in return is what drives all of us to navigate these turbulent waters. We do, however, require assistance from time to time. We asked the Cut's readers to share the best relationship advice they've ever received anonymously. Their pearls of wisdom are listed below.

1. "I'm not always in love with your father, but I always love him," my mother, who has been married to my father for 47 years, once told me. And every time I fall back in love with him, I'm surprised." My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Because of my mother's advice, I don't panic when we're going through a difficult time; instead, I look forward to falling back in love with my husband. And it's usually not a sexy moment, like when one of our kids vomits in the middle of the night and he gets up to help me clean it up, then touches my foot with his foot when we finally crawl back into bed. That is true love.

2. That I cannot choose to prioritize a significant other's desires, whims, or life choices at the expense of losing my sense of self. If I become the best version of who my partner wants me to be (or who I believe he wants me to be), I hide all the wonderful parts of myself that exist with or without that person.

3. When you marry, make sure the person you choose is someone you want to marry as well as divorce. It emphasizes the importance of selecting someone who is gentle, caring, and good-hearted not only in good times but also in bad.

4. A wise friend once advised me to "first fit your own oxygen mask." I was in a bad place with depression and anxiety, trying to make a relationship that was never going to work by fixing all of his problems while ignoring my own. It was the most intense wake-up call I'd ever gotten, and I now repeat it like a parrot to anyone who asks for advice. You cannot assist anyone else until your own oxygen mask is securely fastened.

5. Relationships are not a 50/50 proposition. They are perfect. You must give your partner everything you are capable of giving (love, understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance) and expect the same in return.



6. Someone who does not love you in the way you want to be loved does not mean they do not love you. That really helped me think about new ways to appreciate people and made me feel less angry. I was always expecting people to behave the way I wanted them to, but that is nearly impossible to achieve 90% of the time.

7. When I got married, everyone told me, "Never go to bed angry!" Well, I discovered the exact opposite to be true. It's sometimes beneficial to step away from a heated debate or disagreement and, you know, sleep on it. Wake up feeling revitalized, renewed, and perhaps with a new perspective.

8. "Believe people when they show you who they are." This advice is perfectly captured in Oprah and Maya Angelou's slumber-party video. Everyone requires this in their lives.

9. When there is conflict, focus on the relationship rather than on others. I'm not sure where I heard this, but it's had a huge positive impact on my relationships. When something comes up, rather than gossiping about my partner to my friends, I try to talk it out with him directly. It increases intimacy and prevents your friends from forever judging your partner for what was most likely a temporary issue.

10. Before starting an argument or becoming agitated over trivial matters, ask yourself, "Do I want to choose intimacy or anger?" It may seem obvious, but checking in with myself in this manner has helped me recognize when my emotions are getting the best of me in any given situation with my partner, and it reminds me that most things are not worth fighting over. There is usually a better way to communicate with or understand my partner.



11. "Screw happiness." This advice stuck with me because it's so direct and so contrary to what we're taught to believe. We are so sold on "happily ever after," but relationships are strongest when you can deal with and support each other during the stupid days, downtrodden days, and boring days. Happiness is the result, not the goal.

12. My mother always advised me to ask questions on a first date because everyone wants to feel heard. And to always dump the person who does not respond to your questions.

13. "Don't go in thinking they'll be the one." This was crucial because I believe that if you go through betrayal at a young age (21 for me at the time), all you want to do is find your person, enjoy and grow with them, and live happily ever after. Because you want it so badly, you often force other people into boxes they don't want to be in, rather than taking things at face value, and the situation blows up in your face fairly quickly.

14. The best relationship advice I've ever received came from a therapy website: be honest with both your partner and yourself. This really helped me get through a rough patch in my relationship, and it reminds me that I can only be honest with my partner if I'm honest with myself first.

15. The best piece of advice came from a film, oddly enough... in Richard Curtis's film About Time, Bill Nighy's character advises anyone looking for love to find someone kind. It is such an underrated but necessary characteristic in any partner, and one that isn't prioritized high enough on "the list." It struck a chord with me, and I consider it on a daily basis in how I approach romantic, platonic, and professional relationships.



16. When I was 15, my mother told me, "Boys are like buses; a new one comes around every 15 minutes, so there's no point in crying if you miss the first one." It taught me that life goes on after a breakup, even when it appears to be the end of the world. There will be plenty of chances to fall in love, and you shouldn't take rejection so seriously, especially when you're young.

17. "It is a choice to stay." My mother said this to me when my marriage was clearly over and I felt powerless, terrified, and hopeless, all those dark places you go when you know it's over but you stay and stay and stay, and try and try again, only to come to the same heartbreaking conclusions. I learned to love myself first and foremost, and to love myself sufficiently to leave.

18. We women have a natural desire to nest, nurture, and love. We sometimes try to fit a square peg into a round hole. Let them go when they aren't right for you. I watched my mother do it for 20 years before doing it myself for four years. Fortunately, I learned from my mother's mistakes.

19. Whether it's flowers or sex positions, your partner is not a mind reader. You can't expect them to understand your wants and needs unless you tell them.

20. It's not about finding the person with whom you want to share your life. It's about finding the person with whom you want to spend your life, like two separate lanes traveling in the same direction. It's the type of relationship you have with your sisters, best friends, and, hopefully, a partner one day.