What Can 15 Relationship Experts Teach Us About Love?
If we've learned anything from binge-watching "Jane the Virgin" and "Grace and Frankie" on Netflix, it's that relationships are messy.
From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, "love isn't easy" is a life lesson we've learned all too well.
Relationships require effort regardless of whether you are single, dating, engaged, or married. Whether they end in tears and empty Ben & Jerry's cones or last forever depends on a variety of factors, but your actions, words, and thoughts all play a role.
One thing that will give you an advantage in the game of love? Taking in all the knowledge you can from relationship therapists, researchers, matchmakers, and others.
We've narrowed it down to the best advice 15 experts have received. Regardless of your personal situation, their words may help you discover the key to long-term happiness.
If we've learned anything from binge-watching "Jane the Virgin" and "Grace and Frankie" on Netflix, it's that relationships are messy.
From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, "love isn't easy" is a life lesson we've learned all too well.
Relationships require effort regardless of whether you are single, dating, engaged, or married. Whether they end in tears and empty Ben & Jerry's cones or last forever depends on a variety of factors, but your actions, words, and thoughts all play a role.
One thing that will give you an advantage in the game of love? Taking in all the knowledge you can from relationship therapists, researchers, matchmakers, and others.
We've narrowed it down to the best advice 15 experts have received. Regardless of your personal situation, their words may help you discover the key to long-term happiness.
1. Look for someone who shares your values.
"The more similarity (e.g., age, education, values, personality, hobbies) the better for long-term love." Before getting married, partners should make certain that their values are compatible.
Although other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a difference in values is especially problematic if long-term love is the goal.
Another key to a long marriage is that both partners must be committed to making it work no matter what. "The only thing that can end a relationship are the partners."
Kelly Campbell, PhD, is a psychology and human development associate professor at California State University, San Bernardino.
"The more similarity (e.g., age, education, values, personality, hobbies) the better for long-term love." Before getting married, partners should make certain that their values are compatible.
Although other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a difference in values is especially problematic if long-term love is the goal.
Another key to a long marriage is that both partners must be committed to making it work no matter what. "The only thing that can end a relationship are the partners."
Kelly Campbell, PhD, is a psychology and human development associate professor at California State University, San Bernardino.
2. Never underestimate your partner.
"This may seem obvious, but you have no idea how many people come to couples therapy when their partner is done with the relationship and wants to end it."
It is critical to recognize that everyone has a breaking point, and if their needs are not met or they do not feel seen by the other, they will more than likely seek it elsewhere.
Many people believe that because they are content without the things they desire, their partner must be as well. "'No relationship is perfect,' should not be used as an excuse for complacency."
Individual and couples therapist Irina Firstein, LCSW
"This may seem obvious, but you have no idea how many people come to couples therapy when their partner is done with the relationship and wants to end it."
It is critical to recognize that everyone has a breaking point, and if their needs are not met or they do not feel seen by the other, they will more than likely seek it elsewhere.
Many people believe that because they are content without the things they desire, their partner must be as well. "'No relationship is perfect,' should not be used as an excuse for complacency."
Individual and couples therapist Irina Firstein, LCSW
3. Stop trying to be "everything" to each other.
"'You are my everything,' is a bad pop-song lyric and an even worse relationship strategy." Nobody can be "everything" to everyone. Create relationships outside of The Relationship, or The Relationship will fail."
— Matt Lundquist, LCSW, MSEd, Tribeca Therapy founder
Love is an action verb.
"'You are my everything,' is a bad pop-song lyric and an even worse relationship strategy." Nobody can be "everything" to everyone. Create relationships outside of The Relationship, or The Relationship will fail."
— Matt Lundquist, LCSW, MSEd, Tribeca Therapy founder
Love is an action verb.
4. Do or say something every day to express your gratitude.
"Every day, saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude reaps big rewards." When people feel special and appreciated, they are happier in their relationships and more motivated to make them better and stronger.
And when I say "simple," I mean it. Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card, prepare a favorite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, 'You're sexy,' 'You're the best father,' or 'Thank you for being so wonderful.'"
— Terri Orbuch, PhD, Oakland University professor and author of 5 Simple Steps to Taking Your Marriage from Good to Great
"Every day, saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude reaps big rewards." When people feel special and appreciated, they are happier in their relationships and more motivated to make them better and stronger.
And when I say "simple," I mean it. Hug, kiss, hold hands, buy a small gift, send a card, prepare a favorite dessert, put gas in the car, or tell your partner, 'You're sexy,' 'You're the best father,' or 'Thank you for being so wonderful.'"
— Terri Orbuch, PhD, Oakland University professor and author of 5 Simple Steps to Taking Your Marriage from Good to Great
5. Check to see if you're meeting your partner's needs.
"The most important thing I've learned about love is that it's a business and a social exchange, not just a feeling." Loving relationships are a process in which we meet our own needs while also meeting the needs of our partners.
When that exchange is mutually satisfying, good feelings flow indefinitely. When it is not, things go wrong and the relationship ends.
That is why it is critical to focus on what you and your partner do for each other as expressions of love... rather than how you feel about each other in the moment."
— Jeremy Nicholson, MSW, PhD, dating expert and psychologist
Getting a little jiggy with it
"The most important thing I've learned about love is that it's a business and a social exchange, not just a feeling." Loving relationships are a process in which we meet our own needs while also meeting the needs of our partners.
When that exchange is mutually satisfying, good feelings flow indefinitely. When it is not, things go wrong and the relationship ends.
That is why it is critical to focus on what you and your partner do for each other as expressions of love... rather than how you feel about each other in the moment."
— Jeremy Nicholson, MSW, PhD, dating expert and psychologist
Getting a little jiggy with it
6. Don't go for the big O.
"Sex is more than just orgasms. It's all about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health (improving the immune and cardiovascular systems), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, all thanks to the wonderful hormone release caused by physical touch. There are many more reasons to have sex than simply having fun."
— Kat Van Kirk, PhD, marriage and sexual therapist
"Sex is more than just orgasms. It's all about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health (improving the immune and cardiovascular systems), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, all thanks to the wonderful hormone release caused by physical touch. There are many more reasons to have sex than simply having fun."
— Kat Van Kirk, PhD, marriage and sexual therapist
7. Remember to keep things hot.
"Many times, people become more shy with the person they love as time passes." Partners begin to take their love for granted, forgetting to keep themselves turned on and seducing their partner.
Maintain your'sex esteem' by engaging in certain practices on a regular basis. This allows you to stay vibrant, sexy, and involved in your romantic life."
Sari Cooper, LCSW, is a licensed individual, couples, and sexual therapist.
"Many times, people become more shy with the person they love as time passes." Partners begin to take their love for granted, forgetting to keep themselves turned on and seducing their partner.
Maintain your'sex esteem' by engaging in certain practices on a regular basis. This allows you to stay vibrant, sexy, and involved in your romantic life."
Sari Cooper, LCSW, is a licensed individual, couples, and sexual therapist.
8. Remove the strain on performance.
"There are pressures associated with the penis-vagina model of sex, such as having an orgasm at the same time or the idea that an orgasm should occur with penetration." These high expectations put a strain on performance, leading to feelings of failure and frustration for many.
Instead, broaden your definition of sex to include any activity that involves close, intimate connection with your partner, such as sensual massages, taking a nice shower or bath together, reading an erotic story together, playing with some fun toys... the possibilities are limitless.
And if orgasm occurs, that's fantastic; if not, that's fine, too. When you broaden your definition of sex and put less emphasis on orgasm and penetration, your anxiety about performance fades and your satisfaction rises."
— Chelsea Holland, DHS, MS, The Intimacy Institute's sex and relationship therapist
"There are pressures associated with the penis-vagina model of sex, such as having an orgasm at the same time or the idea that an orgasm should occur with penetration." These high expectations put a strain on performance, leading to feelings of failure and frustration for many.
Instead, broaden your definition of sex to include any activity that involves close, intimate connection with your partner, such as sensual massages, taking a nice shower or bath together, reading an erotic story together, playing with some fun toys... the possibilities are limitless.
And if orgasm occurs, that's fantastic; if not, that's fine, too. When you broaden your definition of sex and put less emphasis on orgasm and penetration, your anxiety about performance fades and your satisfaction rises."
— Chelsea Holland, DHS, MS, The Intimacy Institute's sex and relationship therapist
9. It's not so much what you fight about as it is how you fight.
"Researchers discovered that four conflict messages, contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and defensiveness, can predict whether couples stay together or divorce."
They are collectively known as 'The Four Horsemen.' Instead of using these negative strategies, fight fairly: Look for areas where each partner's goal intersects with a shared common goal and build from there. Also, emphasize the use of 'I' versus 'you' language."
— Sean Horan, PhD, Texas State University associate professor of communication studies
"Researchers discovered that four conflict messages, contempt, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and defensiveness, can predict whether couples stay together or divorce."
They are collectively known as 'The Four Horsemen.' Instead of using these negative strategies, fight fairly: Look for areas where each partner's goal intersects with a shared common goal and build from there. Also, emphasize the use of 'I' versus 'you' language."
— Sean Horan, PhD, Texas State University associate professor of communication studies
10. Take a kinder approach.
"Research has shown that the manner in which a problem is raised influences both the rest of the conversation and the rest of the relationship." Many times, an issue is brought up by attacking or blaming one's partner, which is known as criticism and is one of the relationship killers.
Begin slowly. Instead of saying, "You always leave your dishes everywhere!" 'How come you can't pick anything up?' Try a gentler approach that focuses on your own emotional reaction and a positive request.
'I get annoyed when I see dishes in the living room,' for example. 'Could you please return them to the kitchen when you're finished?'"
— Carrie Cole, MEd, LPC-S, The Gottman Institute's certified master trainer and research director
"Research has shown that the manner in which a problem is raised influences both the rest of the conversation and the rest of the relationship." Many times, an issue is brought up by attacking or blaming one's partner, which is known as criticism and is one of the relationship killers.
Begin slowly. Instead of saying, "You always leave your dishes everywhere!" 'How come you can't pick anything up?' Try a gentler approach that focuses on your own emotional reaction and a positive request.
'I get annoyed when I see dishes in the living room,' for example. 'Could you please return them to the kitchen when you're finished?'"
— Carrie Cole, MEd, LPC-S, The Gottman Institute's certified master trainer and research director
11. Determine your "good conflicts."
"Every couple has a 'good conflict,' as I call it." We often feel in long-term relationships that the thing you most need from your partner is the very thing he or she is least capable of providing. This is not the end of love; rather, it is the start of deeper love! Don't flee the conflict.
It's meant to be there. In fact, naming it and committing to working on it together as a couple is your key to happiness as a couple. Your relationship will become toxic if you approach your 'good conflicts' with bitterness, blame, and contempt."
— Ken Page, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Ditch the Seduction Games and Rediscover the Power of Intimacy
"Every couple has a 'good conflict,' as I call it." We often feel in long-term relationships that the thing you most need from your partner is the very thing he or she is least capable of providing. This is not the end of love; rather, it is the start of deeper love! Don't flee the conflict.
It's meant to be there. In fact, naming it and committing to working on it together as a couple is your key to happiness as a couple. Your relationship will become toxic if you approach your 'good conflicts' with bitterness, blame, and contempt."
— Ken Page, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Ditch the Seduction Games and Rediscover the Power of Intimacy
"A friend once told me that no matter how much you love someone or how long you've been together, it's important to take a breather from your relationship.
Hang out with girlfriends until late at night, take a weekend trip to see family, or simply spend some time 'doing you.' When you return home to Yours Truly, you'll both be recharged and ready to work even harder together."
— Amy Baglan, MeetMindful's CEO, a dating site for people interested in healthy living, well-being, and mindfulness.
"A friend once told me that no matter how much you love someone or how long you've been together, it's important to take a breather from your relationship.
Hang out with girlfriends until late at night, take a weekend trip to see family, or simply spend some time 'doing you.' When you return home to Yours Truly, you'll both be recharged and ready to work even harder together."
— Amy Baglan, MeetMindful's CEO, a dating site for people interested in healthy living, well-being, and mindfulness.
13. Don't give up on yourself.
"Self-abandonment is a major cause of relationship problems."
We can abandon ourselves in a variety of ways, including emotional (judging or ignoring our feelings), financial (irresponsible spending), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating poorly, not exercising), relational (creating conflict in a relationship), and spiritual (giving up on ourselves) (depending too much on your partner for love).
You will discover how to create a loving relationship with your partner when you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself."
— Margaret Paul, PhD, relationship expert and Inner Bonding co-creator
"Self-abandonment is a major cause of relationship problems."
We can abandon ourselves in a variety of ways, including emotional (judging or ignoring our feelings), financial (irresponsible spending), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating poorly, not exercising), relational (creating conflict in a relationship), and spiritual (giving up on ourselves) (depending too much on your partner for love).
You will discover how to create a loving relationship with your partner when you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself."
— Margaret Paul, PhD, relationship expert and Inner Bonding co-creator
14. Make your life more fulfilling.
"Like many people, I was raised to believe that marriage demanded self-sacrifice. There's a lot of it. Linda, my wife, showed me that I didn't have to be a martyr and sacrifice my own happiness in order for our marriage to work.
She taught me that creating a fulfilling and joyful life for myself was as important as anything else I could do for her or the kids.
It's become increasingly clear to me over the years that my responsibility to provide for my own well-being is just as important as my responsibility to others.
This is easier said than done, but it is possibly the most important thing we can do to ensure that our relationship is mutually satisfying."
— Charlie Bloom, MSW, relationship expert and author of That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger in the Middle of a Broken Relationship
We can get so caught up in our expectations that we lose sight of how beautiful our relationships are — and the lessons they teach us. Recognize that every relationship, no matter how long it lasts, has value.
"There is no such thing as a failed romantic relationship." Relationships simply become what they were always intended to be. It is best not to try to turn a seasonal or temporary relationship into a lifelong relationship. "Let go and enjoy the ride."
"Like many people, I was raised to believe that marriage demanded self-sacrifice. There's a lot of it. Linda, my wife, showed me that I didn't have to be a martyr and sacrifice my own happiness in order for our marriage to work.
She taught me that creating a fulfilling and joyful life for myself was as important as anything else I could do for her or the kids.
It's become increasingly clear to me over the years that my responsibility to provide for my own well-being is just as important as my responsibility to others.
This is easier said than done, but it is possibly the most important thing we can do to ensure that our relationship is mutually satisfying."
— Charlie Bloom, MSW, relationship expert and author of That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger in the Middle of a Broken Relationship
We can get so caught up in our expectations that we lose sight of how beautiful our relationships are — and the lessons they teach us. Recognize that every relationship, no matter how long it lasts, has value.
"There is no such thing as a failed romantic relationship." Relationships simply become what they were always intended to be. It is best not to try to turn a seasonal or temporary relationship into a lifelong relationship. "Let go and enjoy the ride."
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