Can you recognize a good relationship? Of course, no one knows what goes on between any couple, but decades of scientific research into love, sex, and relationships has taught us that a number of behaviors can predict whether a couple is on solid ground or heading for trouble. Good relationships do not develop overnight. They necessitate dedication, compromise, forgiveness, and, most importantly, effort. Continue reading for the latest in relationship science, fun quizzes, and helpful hints to help you strengthen your relationship with your partner.
Love and Romance
The easy part is falling in love. The challenge for couples is to find ways to rekindle the flames of romance and cultivate the mature, trusting love that is the hallmark of a long-lasting relationship.
What Is Your Personal Love Style?
What do you mean when you say "I love you"?
Terry Hatkoff, a sociologist at California State University, developed a love scale that identifies six distinct types of love found in our closest relationships.
- Romantic: Based on sexual attraction and passion
- Best Friends: Deep affection and fondness
- Logical: Feelings based on shared values, financial goals, religion, and so on.
- Playful: Feelings triggered by flirtation or feelings of being challenged
- Possessive: Obsession and jealousy
- Unselfish: Kindness, nurturing, and sacrifice
According to research, the love we feel in our most committed relationships is usually a combination of two or three different types of love. However, two people in the same relationship may have very different definitions of love. Dr. Hatkoff uses the example of a man and a woman dining together. The waiter flirts with the woman, but her husband ignores her and talks about changing the oil in her car. The wife is disappointed that her husband is not jealous. The husband believes that his extra work is unappreciated.
What has this to do with love? Love is defined differently by men and women. For him, love is practical, and it is best demonstrated through supportive gestures such as car maintenance. For her, love is possessive, and her husband's jealousy makes her feel valued.
Understanding what makes your partner feel loved can assist you in navigating conflict and reintroducing romance into your relationship. Dr. Hatkoff's Love Style quiz can help you and your partner determine how you define love. If you discover that your partner is prone to jealousy, keep an eye out for anyone who is flirting with him or her. If your partner is practical in love, pay attention to the many small ways he or she shows love by attending to daily needs.
Rekindle Love
Romantic love has been dubbed a "natural addiction" because it activates the brain's reward center, specifically the dopamine pathways linked to drug addiction, alcoholism, and gambling. However, these same pathways are linked to novelty, energy, focus, learning, motivation, ecstasy, and craving. It's no surprise that when we fall in love, we feel energized and motivated!
But, as we all know, romantic, passionate love fades with time and, hopefully, matures into a more contented form of committed love. Nonetheless, many couples yearn to rekindle the flames of their early courtship. But is it even possible?
Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, has discovered a solution. What is the secret? Do something new and different – and make it a group effort. New experiences activate the reward system in the brain, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are activated during the early stages of romantic love. Whether you take a pottery class or go white-water rafting, activating your dopamine systems while you're together can help you relive the excitement of your first date. Dr. Aron discovered in his studies of couples that Partners who share new experiences on a regular basis report higher levels of marital happiness than those who simply share pleasant but familiar experiences.
Determine Your Level of Passion
Elaine Hatfield, a psychology professor, has proposed that the love we feel early in a relationship differs from the love we feel later. Early on, love is "passionate," which means we feel intense longing for our mate. Long-term relationships foster "companionate love," which is defined as deep affection as well as strong feelings of commitment and intimacy.
Where does your relationship fall on the love spectrum? Dr. Hatfield of the University of Hawaii and Susan Sprecher, a psychology and sociology professor at Illinois State University, developed the Passionate Love Scale to help you assess the level of passion in your relationship. When you know where you stand, you can work on instilling more passion in your partnership. While the scale is widely used by relationship researchers who study love, the quiz is by no means the be-all and end-all of your relationship's health. Take it lightly and let the questions inspire you to talk about passion with your partner. After all, you never know where a conversation will take you.
Sex
The more sex a couple has, the happier their relationship.
How Much Sex Do You Get?
Let us begin with the good news. Committed couples have more sex than anyone else. Do you not believe it? While it's true that single people can tell you stories about crazy sexual encounters, keep in mind that single people also have long dry spells. According to a March 2017 survey, 15% of men and 27% of women reported not having sex in the previous year. In addition, 9% of men and 18% of women say they haven't had sex in the last five years. The main causes of a sexless life are old age and not being married. So, whether you have committed or married sex once a week, once a month, or only six times a year, the fact remains that someone else has less sex than you. And if you're one of those people who doesn't have sex, here's something to cheer you up: Americans who do not engage in sexual activity are just as content as their sexually active counterparts.
Even though most
But who's keeping score?
People keep their sexual lives private, but we do know a lot about them. The data come from a variety of sources, including the General Social Survey, which collects information on behavior in the United States, and the International Social Survey Programme, which collects international data, as well as additional studies from people who study sex, such as the well-known Kinsey Institute. One recent trend is that sexual frequency among millennials is decreasing, most likely because they are less likely than previous generations to have stable partners.
Here's what we know about sex based on that research:
- The average adult has 54 sexual encounters per year.
- A typical sexual encounter lasts approximately 30 minutes.
- Approximately 5% of people have sex at least three times per week.
- People in their twenties have more than 80 sexual encounters per year.
- People in their 40s have sex approximately 60 times per year.
- By the age of 65, sexual activity has decreased to 20 times per year.
- Sexual frequency declines by 3.2 percent per year after the age of 25.
- After controlling for age and time period, people born in the 1930s had the most sex, while those born in the 1990s (millennials) had the least.
- Around 20% of people, mostly widows, have been celibate for at least a year.
- The average married person has sex 51 times per year.
- On average, "Very Happy" couples have sex 74 times per year.
- Married people under 30 have sex 112 times per year, while single people under 30 have sex 69 times per year.
- Married people in their forties have sex 69 times per year, while single people in their forties have sex 50 times per year.
- People who are physically active have more sex.
- People who drink alcohol have 20% more sex than nondrinkers.
- Every year, extra education is associated with about a week's worth of less sex.
Early and Often
Having a lot of sex early in a relationship is one of the best ways to ensure your sex life remains robust in a long relationship. According to a University of Georgia study of over 90,000 women from 19 countries in Asia, Africa, and the Americas, the longer a couple is married, the less frequently they have sex, but the decline appears to be relative to how much sex they had when they first married. Here's a look at the frequency of married sex between the first and tenth years of marriage.
Why is sex in marriage declining? It's a combination of factors, such as a health problem, the presence of children, boredom, or unhappiness in the relationship. However, age is a significant factor. According to one study, after the age of 25, sexual frequency decreases by 3.2 percent per year. The good news is that married couples make up for their lack of quantity with quality. According to data from the National Health and Social Life Survey, married couples have more satisfying sex than single people.
The No-Sex Marriage
Why do some relationships succeed while others fail? No-sex marriages are being studied by social scientists for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.
It is estimated that 15% of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the previous six months to a year. Some sexless marriages began with little sex. Others in sexless marriages claim that childbirth or an affair slowed or stopped sex. People in sexless marriages are generally less happy and more likely to consider divorce than those in sexful marriages with their spouse or committed partner.
The most important step in a low-sex or no-sex marriage is to see a doctor. A lack of sex drive can be caused by a medical condition (low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, menopause, or depression), or it can be a side effect of medication or treatment. Some scientists believe that the increased use of antidepressants such as Prozac and Paxil, which can suppress sex drive, is contributing to an increase in sexless marriages.
While some sexless couples are content, the reality is that the more sex a couple has, the happier they are together. It is difficult to rekindle a marriage that has been without sex for years, but it is possible. If you are unable to live in a sexless marriage but wish to remain married, consult a doctor, a therapist, and begin talking to your partner.
Therapists recommend the following steps to get a sexless marriage back in the bedroom:
- Discuss your desires with each other.
- Have fun together and share new experiences to remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place.
- Join your hands. Touch. Hug.
- Even if you don't want to, have sex. Many couples discover that if they force themselves to have sex, it soon ceases to be work and they remember how much they enjoy it. The body reacts with a flood of brain chemicals and other beneficial changes.
Remember that there is no magic number for the appropriate amount of sex in a marriage. The appropriate amount of sex is that which makes both partners happy.
A Treatment Plan for a Better Sexual Life
It can take time and effort to get your sex life back on track if it has dwindled. The best solution is simple, but extremely difficult for many couples: Begin talking about sex.
- Just do it: Have sex even if you're not feeling it. Sex causes hormonal and chemical responses in the body, and even if you're not in the mood to begin with, chances are you'll get there quickly.
- Schedule time for sex: Busy partners frequently claim that they are too busy for sex, but interestingly, extremely busy people seem to find time for affairs. The truth is that sex is beneficial to your relationship. Make it your top priority.
- Talk: Inquire about your partner's desires. Surprisingly, this appears to be the most difficult challenge for couples when it comes to rebooting their sex lives.
The first two suggestions are self-explanatory, but let's dig deeper into the third: discussing sex with your partner. Dr. Hatfield of the University of Hawaii is a relationship science pioneer. She created the Passionate Love scale, which we discussed earlier in this guide. Dr. Hatfield discovered that men and women have much more in common than they realize when she conducted a series of interviews about their sexual desires with men and women. They just don't talk about sex with each other. Here's a simple exercise based on Dr. Hatfield's research that could significantly improve your sexual life:
- Locate two sheets of paper and two pens.
- Now, sit down with your partner and make a list of five things you want more of during sex with your partner. The answers should not be detailed sex acts (unless that is important to you). Ideally, your responses should center on the behaviors you want, such as being talkative, romantic, tender, experimental, or adventurous.
If you are like the couples in Dr. Hatfield's study, you may discover that you share far more sexual desires than you realize. Here are the responses from Dr. Hatfield's couples.
Let's take a look at what these couples had in common. Both partners desired seduction, guidance, and experimentation.
The main distinction between men and women is where sexual desire begins. Men desired that their wives initiate sex more frequently and be less inhibited in the bedroom. However, women's behavior outside of the bedroom was also important. They desired a warmer, more helpful partner, as well as love and compliments both in and out of the bedroom.
Staying Faithful
Both men and women can learn to protect their relationships and increase their feelings of commitment.
Is it possible to predict infidelity?
In any given year, approximately 10% of married people —12% of men and 7% of women — report having sex outside of their marriage. Annual cheating rates are relatively low, but lifetime cheating rates are much higher. One in every four men and one in every seven women over the age of 60 admit to having cheated at some point in their lives.
A number of studies in both animals and humans suggest that infidelity may have a genetic component. While science provides compelling evidence that cheating has a genetic component, we also know that genetics are not destiny. And, until there is a rapid-gene test to determine your partner's infidelity risk, the debate over the genetics of infidelity isn't particularly useful to anyone.
Some personality traits are known to be linked to cheating. A study published in The Archives of Sexual Behavior discovered that two characteristics predicted men's risk of infidelity. Men who are easily aroused (referred to as having a "proclivity for sexual excitation") and men who are overly concerned about sexual performance failure are more likely to cheat. The research was conducted on nearly 1,000 men and women. In the sample, 23% of men and 19% of women admitted to ever cheating on a partner.
Relationship happiness (women who are unhappy in their partnership are twice as likely to cheat) and being sexually out-of-sync with their partner were the main predictors of infidelity for women (a situation that makes women three times as likely to cheat as women who feel sexually compatible with their partners).
Maintain Your Relationship
1. Stay away from Opportunity. In one survey, 349 men and women in committed relationships were asked about their sexual fantasies by psychologists at the University of Vermont. In the previous two months, 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women reported having fantasized about having a sexual encounter with someone other than their partner at least once. The longer a couple was together, the more likely it was that both partners would report such fantasies.
However, there is a significant difference between fantasizing about infidelity and actually committing to it. Researchers discovered that the most powerful risk factor for infidelity exists outside of the marriage: opportunity.
For many years, men have had the most opportunities to cheat due to long hours at work, business travel, and control over family finances. Today, however, both men and women work long hours and travel for business. Even among stay-at-home women, cellphones, e-mail, and instant messaging appear to be enabling them to form more intimate relationships outside of their marriages. As a result of this, Your best chance of remaining faithful is to limit opportunities for straying. Men and women who are committed avoid situations that could lead to poor decisions, such as hotel bars and late nights with colleagues.
2. Prepare for Temptation. To stay faithful to a partner, both men and women can develop coping strategies.
A series of unusual studies led by John Lydon, a psychologist at McGill University in Montreal, examined how people in committed relationships respond to temptation. In one study, married men and women were asked to rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite gender in a series of photos. Not surprisingly, people who are typically regarded as attractive received the highest ratings.
They were later shown similar pictures and told that the person wanted to meet them. In that case, participants consistently gave those images lower ratings than they did the first time they saw them.
When they were attracted to someone who could endanger the relationship, they seemed to tell themselves instinctively, "He's not so great." "The more committed you are," Dr. Lydon says, "the less attractive other people who threaten your relationship find you."
Other McGill studies confirmed that men and women react differently to such threats. One study had attractive actors or actresses brought in to flirt with study participants in a waiting room. Later, the participants were quizzed on their relationships, specifically how they would react to a partner's bad behavior, such as being late and forgetting to call.
Men who had recently flirted were less forgiving of the hypothetical bad behavior, implying that the attractive actress had temporarily eroded their commitment. Women who had been flirting, on the other hand, were more likely to be forgiving and make excuses for the man, implying that their earlier flirting had triggered a protective response when discussing their relationship.
"We believe the men in these studies had commitment, but the women had a backup plan — the attractive alternative sets off the alarm bell," Dr. Lydon explained. "Women interpret that as a threat." "Men do not."
The research also looked into whether a person could be taught to resist temptation. The researchers asked male students in committed dating relationships to imagine meeting an attractive woman on a weekend when their girlfriends were not present. Some of the men were then asked to create a backup plan by filling in the blanks: "When she approaches me, I will _________ to protect my relationship."
Because the researchers could not ethically bring in a real woman to act as a temptation, they devised a virtual-reality game in which two of four rooms contained subliminal images of an attractive woman. Most of the men who had practiced resisting temptation avoided the rooms with attractive women; however, two out of every three men who had not practiced resisting temptation gravitated toward the temptation room.
Of course, this is a lab study, and it doesn't really tell us what would happen in the real world if you were tempted to leave your relationship by a real woman or man. But If you are concerned that you will be tempted while on business, practice resistance by reminding yourself of the steps you will take to avoid temptation and protect your relationship.
3. Consider Your Beloved. We've all experienced the phenomenon where the more you try to avoid something, such as ice cream or a cigarette, the more you crave it. According to relationship experts, the same principle can influence someone who sees a man or woman who is interested in them. The more you consider resisting the person, the more attractive he or she becomes. Instead of telling yourself, "Be good. Instead of resisting, start thinking about the person you love, how much they mean to you, and what they bring to your life. Focus on loving thoughts and the joy of your family, rather than sexual desire for your spouse; the goal here is to dampen, not awaken, the sex drive.
4. Maintain the interest in your relationship. Scientists speculate that your level of commitment may be determined by how much a partner improves your life and broadens your horizons — a concept dubbed "self-expansion" by Dr. Aron, a Stony Brook psychology professor.
Couples are asked a series of questions to assess this quality: How much of an exciting experience does your partner provide? How much has knowing your partner improved you as a person? How much do you see your partner as a means of enhancing your own capabilities?
The Stony Brook researchers conducted experiments that encouraged self-expansion. Some couples were assigned mundane tasks, while others were roped together and asked to crawl on mats while pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged in such a way that the couples failed the time limit on the first two attempts but barely made it on the third, resulting in much celebration.
Before and after the experiment, couples were given relationship tests. Those who had participated in the difficult activity reported higher levels of love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together. According to the researchers, Couples who travel to new places and try new things will experience feelings of self-expansion, which will increase their level of commitment.
Conflict
Every couple has disagreements, but research shows that how two people argue has a significant impact on their relationships as well as their health.
How to Fight
Many people try to avoid conflict, but according to relationship experts, every conflict presents an opportunity to improve a relationship. The key is to learn to fight constructively in order to feel better about your partner.
John Gottman, a marriage researcher, has made a career out of studying how couples interact. He discovered that even in a laboratory setting, couples are willing to air their grievances in front of scientists and cameras. He developed a system of coding words and gestures based on that research, which has been shown to be highly predictive of a couple's chance of success or risk of divorce or breakup.
Dr. Gottman and his colleagues observed newly married couples arguing in one significant study. He discovered that neither the topic nor the length of the fight mattered. What factor most accurately predicted the couple's marital health? The researchers discovered that analyzing only the first three minutes of a couple's argument could predict their likelihood of divorce over the next six years.
This is great news for couples in many ways because it gives you a place to focus. During a conflict, the most important moments between you and your partner are the first few minutes when the fight is just getting started. Concentrate on your behavior during that time, and it will most likely improve the dynamics of your relationship.
Here's some general advice from the research on how to start a fight with someone you care about:
Identify the complaint rather than the criticism. If you're upset about housework, don't start a fight by accusing your partner of "never helping me." Concentrate on the problem and how to solve it. "It's so difficult to come home to dishes and unbathed children when I work late on Thursdays." Do you think you could help out more on those nights?"
Avoid using "you" phrases. "You always" and "you never" are frequently followed by criticism and blame.
Consider pronouns. Sentences that begin with "I" or "We" assist you in identifying problems and solutions rather than blaming others.
Be mindful of your body language. There will be no eye-rolling, which is a sign of contempt. When you speak, look at your partner. There will be no folded arms or crossed legs to indicate that you are open to their feelings and input. Sit or stand on the same level as your partner; neither of you should be looking down or up during an argument.
De-escalate situations: When the debate becomes heated, take the initiative to cool things down. Here are some de-escalation phrases that are always useful:
- "What if..."
- "I understand how difficult this is..."
- "I understand what you're saying..."
- "What are your thoughts?"
Fighting with your partner is not a bad thing, according to Dr. Gottman. Dr. Gottman believes in the power of argument to help couples improve their relationships after years of studying conflict. Indeed, he claims that talking about our disagreements gives our relationship "real staying power." You just need to make sure you get the conversation started correctly so it can be constructive rather than destructive.
Why Couples Fight
A well-known cardiovascular health study in Framingham, Massachusetts, asked its 4,000 participants what topics were most likely to cause conflict in their relationship. Women reported that the most difficult aspects of their relationships were those involving children, housework, and money. Men reported that their arguments with their spouse usually revolved around sex, money, and leisure time. Despite the fact that the lists were slightly different, men and women care about the same issues: money, how they spend their time away from work (housework or leisure), and balancing family life demands (children and sex).
Money
Money problems can sometimes turn into marital problems.
According to studies, money is the most common source of conflict in a relationship. Couples who have financial problems and are in debt are more stressed and unhappy in their relationship.
Why is money a source of contention? Fights over money are ultimately not about money. They are about a couple's shared values and goals. A person who overspends on restaurants, travel, and fun things often wants to live in the moment and seek new adventures and change, whereas a saver who hopes to buy a house someday may value stability, family, and community the most. Money disagreements can be a barometer for the health of your relationship and an indication that you and your partner are at odds on some of your most fundamental values.
David Olson, emeritus professor at the University of Minnesota, studied 21,000 couples and identified five questions you can ask to determine if you and your partner are financially compatible.
- We both agree on how to spend our money.
- I'm not concerned about how my partner manages money.
- I am pleased with our financial decisions.
- Major debts are not an issue.
- Making financial decisions is simple.
Dr. Olson discovered that the happiest couples agreed on at least four of the statements. He also discovered that couples who disagreed on three or more of the statements were more likely to have a low overall marital happiness score. Debt is the most common source of marital conflict. It can be a source of great concern and stress. As a result, couples who focus on money issues and debt reduction may discover that they have also solved the majority of their marital problems.
Here's some parting advice on money management and relationship management:
Be truthful about your spending: It's surprisingly common for two people in a relationship to lie about their financial habits, usually because they know it's a source of contention for their partner. When financial infidelity is discovered, it represents a serious breach of trust in the relationship, according to researchers. According to surveys, one out of every three committed relationships engages in secret spending. The three most common types of secret spending that causes conflict in a relationship are clothing shopping, hobby spending, and gambling.
Keep some financial independence: While two people in a relationship must be honest about how they spend their money, it's a good idea for both parties to agree that each person has his or her own discretionary pot of money to spend on whatever they want. The point is that just because you have different priorities as a family doesn't mean you can't occasionally feed your personal indulgences, whether it's a regular manicure, clothes shopping, a great bottle of wine, or a fancy new bike. The key is to agree on how much money you each have for discretionary spending and then remain silent when your partner buys the latest iPhone just because.
Make an investment in the relationship. Spend your money on the relationship when you have it. Take a trip, go out to dinner, or watch a show. Investing in new and shared experiences is a good way to strengthen your partnership.
Children
The negative impact children can have on previously happy couples is one of the more unsettling findings of relationship science. Despite popular belief, several studies have shown that children do not bring couples closer together. With the arrival of the first child, relationship satisfaction and happiness typically plummet.
A study conducted by the University of Nebraska College of Nursing examined marital happiness in 185 men and women. Scores began to decline during pregnancy and remained lower as children reached 5 months and 24 months. According to other studies, couples with two children perform even worse than couples with one child.
While it is obvious that having a child makes parents happy, financial and time constraints can add stress to a relationship. According to Ohio State University researchers, couples have about one-third the time alone together after having a child as they did before having a child.
The good news is that a small percentage of couples with children — about 20% — manage to stay happy in their relationships despite having children.
What's their trick? Parents' top three predictors of a happy marriage
- Sexual Intimacy
- Commitment
- Generosity
That's all there is to it. The key to surviving parenthood is to have a lot of sex, to be faithful, and to be generous to your partner. In this case, generosity is defined by the sharing, caring, and kind gestures you make toward your partner on a daily basis. When you're trying to survive the chaos of parenting, small gestures like bringing your partner coffee or offering to pick up the dry cleaning or do the dishes can make a big difference in the health of your relationship.
Make It Last
Based on the findings of various studies, here are some suggestions for how to strengthen your relationship.
Continue to Be Generous
Are you considerate to your partner? How frequently do you show affection? Or do small favors for your partner, such as bringing them coffee? According to research from the University of Virginia's National Marriage Project, men and women who score the highest on the generosity scale are far more likely to report "very happy" marriages.
Use Your Relationship to Advance Your Personal Development
Finding a partner who makes your life more interesting is critical to maintaining a long-term relationship.
Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a Monmouth University professor in New Jersey, devised a series of questions for couples: How much have you learned as a result of being with your partner? How much has knowing your partner improved you as a person?
"People have a fundamental motivation to improve themselves and add to who they are as individuals," says Dr. Lewandowski. "You become happier and more satisfied in the relationship if your partner helps you become a better person."
Be Decisive
Nurture Friends and Family
See a Rom-Com
It may sound silly, but research suggests that watching a sappy Hollywood relationship movie can help couples work out problems in the real world. According to a University of Rochester study, couples who watched and discussed issues raised in films such as "Steel Magnolias" and "Love Story" were less likely to divorce or separate than couples in a control group. Surprisingly, The "Love Story" intervention was as effective as two intensive forms of marriage therapy in keeping couples together.
Obviously, discussing a movie will not solve major problems in a marriage, but the findings do highlight the importance of communication in a marriage and finding opportunities to discuss your differences. "A movie is a nonthreatening way to start the conversation," said Ronald D. Rogge, the study's lead author and associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester.
Movies that depict various highs and lows in a relationship are the best way to begin constructive communication. "Couples Retreat," "Date Night," "Love and Other Drugs," and "She's Having a Baby" were also used in the study. Avoid romantic comedies like "Sleepless in Seattle" and "When Harry Met Sally."
Despite the fact that some of the recommended films are humorous and not necessarily realistic, the goal is to "start a conversation," according to Dr. Rogge.
"I believe the depth of the discussions that follow each movie, as well as how much effort, time, and introspection couples put into those discussions, will predict how well they do in the future," Dr. Rogge said.
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