New to dating? 15 Pieces of Advice for Building a Healthy Relationship

If your relationship were a rom-com, it would go something like this: The ultimate meet-cute would have you locking eyes and knowing in your soul from the first "hello" that they're The One. Cut to a montage of baking together (obviously with flour all over the kitchen), sunset strolls holding hands, and perhaps a tandem bicycle ride or two. Relationships, to no one's surprise, develop a little less cinematically in real life. The beginning of a relationship is difficult to navigate, but it can also make or break your romance's longevity. Here are 15 key pieces of new-relationship advice to get you started (and figure out if it's even worth it to stick with).

 

1. Concentrate on the present rather than the past.

It's normal to bring your fears and negative experiences to a new relationship; after all, it's a survival mechanism to keep your heart from being broken again. However, while old fears and insecurities may keep you safe from heartbreak, they can also keep you from being truly happy in a new relationship. For example, if a previous partner was unfaithful, do not distrust your new partner solely because of an ex-relationship. Concentrate on the characteristics that set your new partner apart. If they're trustworthy enough to date, you should also trust them.

Similarly, while the "dating history" discussion will be necessary at some point, don't rush into it. Spend the first few dates learning about your partner's likes, dislikes, dreams, and personality traits, while they learn about yours. There's no need to explain what went wrong in your previous relationship on the first date or learn about their dating history before you know their siblings' names and where they grew up. 

2. Discuss the future early on.

While you shouldn't dwell on the past, you should think about the future. Of course, you don't have to (and probably shouldn't) ask how many children they want before the salad course arrives on date #1, but you don't want to wait a year to find out that they never want to marry if marriage is a non-negotiable for you. It's not always fun to discuss life goals, religion, marriage, politics, and so on, but work your deal-breakers into the conversation to ensure you're at least on the same page as soon as you start to see a future together. Also, communicate whether you're looking for a long-term relationship or just a casual fling.

3. Make certain that you are drawn to the person rather than the idea of a relationship.

Sometimes we want to be in a relationship so badly (dating burnout is real) that we don't realize we're more drawn to the idea of being in a relationship than the person we're in a relationship with. You run the risk of pushing other people into boxes they don't belong in (or don't want to be in) or forcing a spark if you're so focused on finding Happily Ever After. Because your mind has already convinced you that this must work, you ignore flaws or red flags. Take your partner at face value instead. Assume that they are not The One. Would you still want to spend your time with them? If you enjoy their company so much that you'd want to be with them whether or not they're "The One," you're probably more than just attracted to them.

4. Don't leave out the sex talk!

This should go without saying, but if you're not comfortable discussing sexual health with your partner (including STD testing, history, and so on), you're not ready to be intimate (or perhaps they're not someone you should be intimate with). Discuss your likes and dislikes, as well as what you are (and are not) comfortable with, while listening to theirs without passing judgment. Oh, and don't forget that the "right time" to be intimate differs for each couple (forget the "three-date rule" or any other nonsense guidelines), and that only one partner feeling ready is insufficient.

5. Meet the friends of each other

You may be tempted to keep the relationship to yourself because it is new. Making friends early on, on the other hand, is critical. The way you interact with each other's crew can reveal information about your partner and the nature of your relationship. For example, if all of your partner's friends are huge douches with whom you would never get along, you may not know your partner as well as you think you do (after all, who chooses to hang out with douches if they aren't a douche themselves?).

Similarly, having your new partner around your friends can raise red flags. Your friends may notice something you do not, or your partner may not get along with them as well as you hoped. If you both fit in seamlessly with each other's group of friends, you've established a mutual friendship, which means you won't have to choose between hanging out with friends or with each other when you all get along swimmingly.

 

6. Important conversations should not be conducted via text.

When it comes to regular check-ins and sending funny memes to make your partner laugh while they're at work, texting is a modern-day blessing. However, texting should be limited to making plans or LOLing at TikTok videos. Disagreements or discussions about your feelings for each other should always take place in person. Not only can texting make in-person interactions feel awkward, but much can be lost in translation, leading to even more misunderstanding. If you feel an argument coming on and are unable to talk on the phone, let your partner know you'll discuss it when you can talk it through together.

7. Be yourself

OK, this one is so cliché that I'm embarrassed to even write it. But if I had been 100% myself on every first date and at the start of every new relationship, I could have saved young, single Josie a lot of wasted time. I understand: You try to be "chill" and "cool" at first. You pretend to watch horror movies instead of Hallmark, and you tell them you like their artsy music despite the fact that you only listen to Taylor Swift's first three albums on repeat. Even if you're still shaving your legs before every date (ah, simpler times), be honest and upfront about your likes, dislikes, and identity. It will not only save you time and heartbreak with people who aren't a good match, but it will also assist the right person in finding you.

8. Actually, I'm enjoying it.

Another personal story: I can remember worrying about how my hair or makeup looked before going on dates or reading into all the little signs that they didn't like me as much as I hoped they did at the start of every relationship. But the start of a relationship is so special: The "new-relationship bubble" has yet to burst, the honeymoon period feels endless, and you're smiling all the time. It's natural to be afraid or hesitant to be vulnerable when your heart is at stake. But, no matter how frightening a new relationship may seem, remember to enjoy it. Take note of all the small details, try new things together, and make sure you're having fun.

 

9. Don't be concerned about labels (to a certain extent)

It can be difficult to tell where you are on Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge ("Talking?" "Dating?" "What are you doing?" "Wifed Up?" "FWB?" Don't get too worked up about where you two stand on the relationship scale. Different people have different timelines for when they feel ready to take each relationship step, so different timelines do not necessarily imply incompatibility or dislike.

However, you should be clear about whether you're both seeing other people and whether you're on the same page about keeping it casual or looking for something serious (always be open about what you want). Otherwise, the term "girlfriend" does not always mean "I like you," as it did in kindergarten, so don't worry if they haven't dropped the G-word yet. Oh, and if you find yourself in the awkward situation of introducing them but not knowing how to refer to them, just call them by their name. You don't need to clarify what they are to you, and attempting to guess may lead to even more confusion.

10. Understand that red flags are not suggestions (and will not go away).

If you catch them lying, being rude to the waiter, or saying something hurtful about a friend, guess what? It is not a "one-time thing," and they will not change. Red flags are gut feelings that indicate something isn't right, so pay attention to them. Ignoring red flags will only delay the inevitable end of a relationship and make the eventual breakup more difficult for both of you. Nobody is perfect; you may judge your partner, and they may make errors. You'll be able to talk it out if it's just a bad judgment or mistake. Run for the hills if you have a gut feeling that "this isn't right" or if the behavior is more than a mistake.

11. Take some time apart.

A new relationship is exhilarating. It's so exciting, in fact, that it's easy to get swept up in your life as a new couple and neglect your single life routines. Perhaps you see your friends less frequently or devote less time to your hobby in order to spend more time with your new partner. Sure, it's a great sign that you want to spend all of your time together, but spending all of your time together (and foregoing your own independence and social life) could lead to a relationship disaster. Make certain that you do not lose your friends or yourself. Avoid constantly texting or calling, and do your best to act as if nothing has changed in your friendships (because nothing should!). You shouldn't be looking for someone to share your life with; you should be looking for someone to share your life with.

12. Stop mentioning your ex.

It's natural to compare your new partner or new relationship to your previous one, especially if you weren't the one who ended it. But remember how we're supposed to put the past behind us? Newsflash: Your new partner is not your ex (thank goodness! ), and they don't want to hear about him. Sure, you'll need to discuss your "dating history" to get to know each other better, but is it really necessary to bring up an ex? No one wants to feel like they're being judged by others, but comparing your relationship to past experiences instead of enjoying it for what it is can be harmful. Let it go, as Elsa would say (like, for real).

13. Relationships are not 50/50, but 100/100.

Some of the best relationship advice I've ever received is that relationships aren't all about compromise or attempting to strike a 50/50 balance. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot simply contribute what you believe is your fair share. Give your all for a happy, successful, long-lasting relationship and expect the same in return. Of course, conflicts will arise (and will become more frequent the longer you're together), but you should both be fully invested in the relationship. Relationship responsibilities cannot be divided in the same way that a check for a dinner date can.

14. Communicate your feelings frequently.

The beginning of a relationship can lay the groundwork for the future, so pay close attention to how you communicate with each other and work through problems. If you're unsure of the best communication tools to use in disagreements with your partner, talk to a relationship therapist (there's no such thing as too soon!).

Aside from having a major designer closet on a writer's salary, Sex and the City got one thing wrong: friends should not always be your relationship sounding board. Of course, you should have a strong support system, but when you disagree with your partner, consider turning inward rather than outward to resolve the issue. Instead of immediately complaining to your friends, talk it out with each other. PS: When it comes to date nights or sex positions, your partner is not a mind reader. Instead of expecting a perfect person, tell them what you want and build a perfect relationship.

15. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

Everyone has different perspectives on labels, but at the end of the day, you should know how they feel about you. It makes no difference if they promise to take you on vacation or introduce you to their parents if they don't make consistent plans, make you feel special, and show you how they feel about you (instead of just telling you). Confusion occurs when actions do not match words, so pay attention to what they are doing rather than what they are saying to gain clarity. You will not be perplexed if they truly care about you.

6 Easy Ways to Reconnect With an Old Friend

Getting caught up in the responsibilities and priorities of daily life is a sure-fire way to lose track of time, and when we are busy with work and adulting, one of the first things to go is our social life—usually, right after our self-care routine. A sad side effect of this is drifting apart from friends or having a falling out entirely. Fortunately, this is completely understandable and occurs to the best of us, so there is still hope. If you haven't spoken to a friend in months or even years and want to reconnect without feeling awkward, here are six ways to do so:

 

1. Participate in social media.

I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I follow a lot of old friends on social media, and even though I haven't talked to most of them in what feels like an eternity, I still keep up with them through posts and stories. On the surface, social media allows us to keep in touch with old friends, but if you want to rekindle a friendship, you must engage with them in ways other than simply liking their posts. One simple way to do this is to leave genuine comments on their posts, respond to their stories, and send a DM to initiate a conversation. What should I say? Begin by complimenting or asking a question. Your friendship will naturally grow again if you do this frequently.

2. Send a quick text message

Don't be afraid to text someone! Begin by greeting them, asking how they are, letting them know you are thinking about them, and inviting them to a get-together. You could, for example, say something like, "Hey! Hello, my name is [name]. How are you doing? I was just thinking about when we [insert happy memory here], and I can't believe it's been so long! If you're available, I'd love to catch up with you soon." If you no longer have their phone number, request it from a mutual friend or send the message via email or social media.

3. Meet up with mutual friends.

Perhaps you no longer see your old friend, but you may have mutual friends who are still close to them. Making plans to meet as a group is a low-pressure way to reconnect because your mutual friends will be there to help bridge the gap and avoid any boring and awkward getting-to-know-you-again small talk. This is a good option if you are nervous about reconnecting and/or want other people to help keep the conversation going.

4. Conflict resolution

Did you two have a fight? We've all been there, unfortunately. Making the first move and reaching out to resolve the conflict is the first step toward reestablishing a trusting friendship. It is critical to set the record straight and explain why you are reaching out in the first place. If you miss them, are sorry for something you may have said or done, and want to put the past behind you for good, include that before asking if they want to get together again. This way, your intentions are clear and you don't appear to be reaching out while pretending nothing happened.

5. Share your memories.

Did you come across any old photos or notice anything that reminded you of them? Send it to them with a short message! For instance, if you come across something online that reminds you of something they used to be interested in, tag them in it and say something like, "This reminds me of you!" "Are you still interested in [insert hobby or interest]?" or, if a Facebook memory pops up with them in it, leave a comment saying something like, "What a throwback! Do you recall this? It's been a long time. "I'm missing you!" This is a simple way to start a conversation that isn't completely random.

6. Inquire if they want to get together.

Don't want to go around in circles? Ask them directly if they want to get together! Life moves quickly, so if you want to reconnect, simply ask before more time passes. They'll probably be grateful you reached out and may have been planning to do the same. To accomplish this, reach out in whatever way feels natural and easy to you, whether it's by picking up the phone, sending a text, or direct messaging them on social media, and propose specific dates and locations to see if they are available and want to meet up.